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Reporting for you from Doe Camp is Al I. Snowman, internationally recognized journalist with stories that include covering fall of Saddam Hussein, sinking of a Titanic, hurricane Katrina, landing on the Moon and many more. Al was born in Nepal and worked for Tibetan freedom fighters as a journalist. He was captured by Anheuser-Bush than transported to Florida to become one of the sideshow attractions at the Sea World. Matt Jachyra, a visiting bum from New York City won him in a gun fight. Since than Mr. Snowman was ever thankful for his taste of free world and decided to fight any dangers to freedom by exposing them as frauds. Al decided to explore Doe Camp incognito and provide readers with an insight into women world not known to men. The rumors of a stronghold, deep inside the woods of Vermont where young women train to kill, has been long circulating both the elite and underground societies of the world. Young and old flock to Vermont in search of inner piece, firearm instructions and survivalist training which often results in prolonged 4 day stay while they practice their deadly skills. Organizers deny any involvement with the militia movement and stay clear of any association with violent traits found in today’s survivalist organizations. Even thou they denounced violence they haven’t denounced their desire to take over the world. With recent exposure director of the camp tried to change the name of the event to “Dyke Camp” yet the negative vibe brought on themselves still lingered in the air. So is it innocent girls camp or is it a violent and aggressive recruitment camp with agenda to take over the world and possible ties to Al Qaeda (Al Snowman has no ties to Al Qaeda regardless of the same first name). Follow journalist Snowman into uncharted territories of Vermont where he is not afraid to ask the important questions such as: do you girls share bunk beds and can I watch? Be there when he discovers the shocking truth about the Doe Camp. In the end Al Snowman says: “Anderson Cooper can take his silverback gorillas and shove them since I got a real smoking gun”.
Preparation:
Because I have a snowman penis my repeat requests to be part of the Doe Camp 2008 were denied. I could have camped around the outside perimeter of the stronghold but my readers don’t love me because I sit on the sidelines, they love me because I’m always in the center of the action reporting back as bombs fall around me. Quick research into other available sources got me in touch with my New York City connection Matt Jachyra. Matt runs a GROSS organization and during our annual meeting he mentioned that his soon to be wife (Amy) will be attending the Doe Camp. Brotherly love was all I needed to secure one ticket to hell. When Amy was preparing her bags I sneaked into Matt’s apt like I came for a casual visit. After small staged chit chat I was placed into one of the duffle bags and covered with a sweater. Sweet smell of Irish Spring Downy fabric softener engulfed me and my 6 hour trip to Vermont began. Next stop: Jess’ house. I was hoping that when Amy discovers me it will be too late to drive back. I will claim temporary insanity and mumble something about getting drunk and passing out. I calculated that she won’t leave me alone with Jess’ dog Luke and I will be taken into the compound. After that who knows but I was willing to take that chance in order to uncover the shocking truth. Ride was uneventful with my ears ringing from Red Hot Chili Peppers and off tune singing by Amy. When we would pull over at the rest stops I would sneak out and change her Ipod to jazz genre but she would always put it back at that new alternative crap. In the end I used my ear plugs to fall asleep and get much needed rest. When I woke up I was in Vermont and discovered by Amy. Jess whose basement I was currently in had me tied up and was interrogating me. She swallowed the story of me always wanting to be a Snowwoman like baby swallows a penny. I was given a beer and a tummy rub. I hate tummy rubs. Not a bad looking broad that Jess is I must say. This is also when I heard the code name for the group I will be bunking with: “Supercool”. The name seemed mildly innocent yet carried an aura of charisma and indifference to genocide that would soon follow. Other members of the group not present at the time were: Beth and Kate. I decided to let it go for a night since I didn’t want to seem overly zealous for information. One wrong word and suspicion will arise causing me to be send back to my office in a FedEx box. And them broads don’t seem like they like to ship overnight either. I would wait for a right time to use my charm and booze to pump them up for some information. It’s just really up to Al how much pumping I will have to do. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge say no more. Faking a headache I stayed in the room to mentally prepare while Jess and Amy went to booze it up. I must have fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. I dreamt of my native Nepal and how I must put stop to that Dyke Camp nonsense if I want to see it again.
Day 1.
I was woken up with a brutal shake. Smell of the gun powder and gas fumes filled the air. I was thrown old army fatigues and told it to “roll it up” cuz “we moving out”. I looked at my watch and it was 5 o’clock. Amy told me we must meet reminder of “Supercool” and ride 3 hours to a secret camp location. Holy Dali Lama have mercy on my frosty soul it’s too early for that stuff. Jess’ had her truck packed with boats and bikes which led me to believe that Doe Camp and Supercool were planning a combination of amphibious and land attack on various targets. Jess was all business and I decided to stay out of her way. Half an hour later we met reminder of the group. I heard of Beth and her accomplishments in art and engineering. Her background in metal work gave her a code: “Dragon Lady”. She looked pretty and innocent yet I knew that underneath there is a raging stream of hot magma just waiting to be unleashed in a form of fire breath. The last but not least lady of Supercool seemed very hyperactive. Kate is a designer of armor and outfits. From the figures of all the ladies present all I could think was: “more spandex Kate please”. Kate is also a fitness and sport nut and she will most likely run Dyke Camp drills. Whistling an “A team” song Kate completed the Supercool and we began to caravan to the camp. Amy was in charge of firearms and explosives as well as of fire starting too. Her nautical navigation abilities put her as a top scout. She is a one hot momma but she was Matt’s bride and I respected him. But other three ladies were fair game. Two hour ride was uneventful and upon arrival we were assigned a cabin. Right away a fire starting class began. If you ask me fire is a magical thing and is good to make a hot cocoa or smores. My zippo is good enough to make a good flame but I guess the drill instructors never heard of it. They made us use bow and drill. It worked but by the time I was done my arm and wrist hurt me more than the time I was single for few months. I slowly used Supercool fascination and involvement with fire to make my way into the bowels of the camp in order to ask around. Words such as: POWs, atrocities, girl on girl action were on my mind. I wanted to catch a whiff of something and like Sherlock Holmes see it followed thru to the end. No luck thou. I think them women have been struck with a silent spell or maybe the motivational posters on the wall about loose lips sinking ships work well enough. I made it back to Supercool gang and was glad that my absence was not noted. They were almost finishing up with the fire starting portion and I think we were going for a hike. Hiking is like walking but you get to pee in the woods. Muahahahhaha Al can pee standing up. Sometimes old people go walking but they change it into the hike. Well the hike was uneventful and I haven’t witnessed anything that would raise my suspicions. On the surface everything looked like an ordinary camp but this Al is not just going to scratch the surface. He is going deep into this ocean of lies and deception. Time flies when you work hard and night came quickly. Camp fires were lit and bottles of wine passed around. Slowly the true agenda of the Dyke Camp came out. “Screw all men” someone shouted. “Dick Cheney is a douche bag” another girl added. Well this one I couldn’t disagree with since she had a point. The dam has been broken and what followed was a flood of anti men and survivalist propaganda. I was taking notes but I was also checking out Beth. I had a plan of sneaking into her bed after lights out and getting the real down low on the Doe Camp. I had more wine and some drugs and a hammer. Kate passed me a bottle filled with red liquid. It looked like wine but tasted bitter. Last thing I remember was Amy carrying me to bed. Lights out for Al.
Day 2
I opened my eyes and light in my face caused instant headache. Thunder in the distance made it even worse. I rolled over to find the room empty and fought the urge to stay in and sleep it off. Yes I was drugged. They didn’t want me to know the truth so they drugged me. Well they won’t fool me twice. Thunders were getting louder which was strange since it was sunny outside. Putting on my shades I ventured out of the room. I saw Supercool armed with various rifles and handguns pumping round after round into targets ahead of them. Kate settled for a handgun while rest of the Supercool was using shotguns and rifles. I heard one of the instructors calling out for “bird” shooting. Fine in my book since I love birds and on my way over I spotted a nice grill. Turns out to be that “brids” are just clay orange discs. That instructor douche bags needs a lesson in zoology or something. Bird is a bird, it has two wings, feathers and a beak. It is not a 5 inch disk made out of clay. And I dreamed of the gilled spotted owl with some veggies and corn. Roundhouse kick to the balls for everyone. Oh how I wish my friend Chuck Norris was here with me. I still remember when we used to bust out POWs from the camps in Vietnam. But oh well he changed his name to Walker and was busy somewhere in Texas. But he had such a magnificent persona… when he walked into the room at night he would turn the dark off instead of light on; and for God’s sake monsters were checking for Chuck Norris under their beds. But I was here alone in the unknown location in Vermont and I was going to follow thru. Supercool finished the shooting and decided to go to logging class. The only experience I have with logging is after good enchilada. I wanted to see it. Logging and girls seemed very German. And if instructor was German there was my Nazi connection. To my surprise logging is just another word for wood cutting and instructor was native Vermontian. Wood cutting? What the hell? How about a nachos making class? After brief safety instructor Steve the Logger issued chainsaws to all the ladies and they went at it. Soon trees were falling faster than Dow Jones shares. Wow. To my surprise them ladies knew how to handle a machine. Jess and Kate made pretty handy sculptures while Amy was carving a statue to the bear. She also made a club. I guess she was planning to woo a bear with a decoy and than club him over the head. Speaking of club that reminded me of my good friend baby seal that walked into a bar and bartender asked him what will he have. “Anything but Canadian Club” he answered. Hahahahahaha get it? Damn funny. If Amy’s plan doesn’t work we are eating sprouts again. I guess none of the Supercool ever smelt Snowman’s gas. Surprisingly Amy managed to hunt a yak. Yak burgers were ok but Peter Luger’s it wasn’t. Tonight I was given an option: take a drink or go to your room. I went to my room so I can sneak out later on. Night festivities didn’t last long and everyone was in their rooms sleeping. I was trying to sneak over to Beth but Amy had a firm hold on my foot so I stayed in bed. Tomorrow is day 3 and my last chance to get what I came for and maybe some pictures of the ladies. I rolled over few times to find a comfortable spot and despite Jess’ snoring I feel asleep.
Day 3
Yay (not) we going hiking again. It looks like the storm is brewing but that won’t stop them. They are on the mission and all I can do is play along. After horrible yet healthy breakfast we head out to the woods to learn proper navigation skills. Today is the last day of the camp and I still have nothing. No naked pictures, no clue about a plot but I’m having a good time so whatever. Maybe the navigational instructor will have some clue about the possible target. No luck there either. She looked like an old communist bird but instead of quoting Marx and Stalin she was blabbing about true magnetic north. Well sister the action is east like eastern block. She was boring and tired. Too bad I didn’t stay in her room. Supercool is cool but I think she might be part of the Old Glory Ubercool. Party on girl. The class was over and dinner has been served. Food disappeared in matter of second. Everyone was smiling and Supercool was happy having accomplished something together that they couldn’t accomplish by themselves. I still have no clue what Doe Camp agenda was and got only few precious hours to find out. Meeting is called to order and I’m invited. During that meeting orders will be issued on what to do upon returning home. Upon entering the hall I was seated on the chair and big earmuffs were placed over my head completely blocking the outside sound. I was fooled yet again. Being closely watched prevented me from removing them and I’m not much of the lip reader. We were done. That’s it. It’s over. No sealed envelopes with orders that I could steal. Them girls are real pros. We packed and got into the cars to drive back home. No need for concealment on the way home. Supercool parted their way with crocodile tears running down their cheeks. As for me I was sad too. But there is always a next year and I just need to try harder. But in the end today was a good day and riding home we came over the Yankee Stadium and I saw a Goodyear blimp and it said: “Al and Supercool are da pimps”.
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